The Number 3

There is so much on my mind right now. I don't know what i should do. I've been through this before, but do i really have to go through this again? I've described this feeling before as being blind folded and being taken by the hand in a direction i have no clue in where i'm going. I hate that feeling. i was hoping i wouldn't have to go through that again.

But here i am. Going through that feeling again; having to trust in God and where He's taking me. Sometimes it's fun walking around blinded because i simply like surprises; but, i'm scared. It's not fun. I have a feeling this outcome might not be a very good one, nor a happy one at that.

Since i first started working i have always had in my mind the number 3. Why 3? I don't know, its always been there. I've always thought that my time here would end at 3 years. I don't know why, i just think that way. And it will be my 3 years in February.

But here's the thing, i just got promoted and am getting insurance (much needed insurance, at that). I was promoted to Office Administrator which is just a fancy word for making sure those who work in the office are doing what they should be doing. But at the same time i am also the Children's Pastor.

I feel like i'm being taken into a different direction; and i'm not sure that's the direction i'm supposed to be going in. Or perhaps that is the direction i'm supposed to go in? See, i hate being blind folded. It makes me so confused and makes me doubt myself.

Where is He taking me? Is my season over? Or is this what the 3 years meant? That instead of being CP i would eventually become an office administrator, or worse...the secretary? Am i supposed to be going on that path? Or are You trying to teach me a lesson on decisions and finding out what You want me to do and not what others or myself want me to do.This is a very hard lesson if i have guessed it right. Maybe i'm thinking way too much into this? I hope that i am...

I feel like I've done such a good job at office work (because others who should be doing it, cannot do it right) that my being a children's pastor has failed in a way. Pastor has asked me if i was interested in taking administration classes. I don't want that! Why would i want that? I don't want to become an administrator?? I have absolutely no interest in ever being an administrator of any kind and even if i did go to school for administration i would only do it for him and not for me.

What about me? What about what i want to be? What about what i want to become? I sound so selfish right now and self centered, but I've always done what others have wanted me to do. I've never thought about myself and always thought of others; how i could please them and make them happy. But going to college for something that i don't want to do and having them pay for it is not right; for them, or for me.

Life can be so confusing...

Scratch that.

Life is always confusing. Living life is like living life blinded. You never know what your future holds and you never know what is waiting for you right around the corner. You never know what the next difficult decision will be. And you never know if you made the right choice. All you can do is trust the person that is holding your hand and guiding you. That's what i'm doing. That's all i can do. I don't know what else i can do; but trust that He is guiding me in the correct direction.

I pray i make the right decision with wisdom. But most of all, i hope that there is no decision i have to make. Like whether or not i become the secretary or stay the cp, or worse becoming neither. I pray that this number 3 is nothing but a number, and simply just a number. I know what the number three means and i pray that this is not the end. But perhaps, only the beginning of something new.