Ignorance is ignorance.

I try to make myself more aware of the world, and the more I become aware, the more I feel that my happiness is selfishness.

Ignorance is not bliss. It is ignorant. As the saying goes.

By not making yourself aware of the evil of this world, you are ignoring the plain facts that there are people out there in pain, tortured, wrongfully convicted, and have no love to comfort them in their desperate time of need, because they have never even witnessed love.

What has made me think this way recently? North Korea and their camps full of thousands of people who stand nearly no chance of ever escaping. In the past few weeks, I don't think I have ever prayed more for strangers that are across the world who are dying everyday due to starvation, malnutrition, forced hard labor, and for being a Christian.

How can there be so much hate in the world for our fellow human beings, that we would treat them lesser than a slave, lesser than animals, not worthy to ever know anything about the beauty of life, love, hope, Jesus Christ, and God? How can others, like me, sit in our comfortable homes, with food in our refrigerators, blankets to cover us, and t.v. to watch comedies and love stories? While others don't know what it is like to have full stomachs, televisions that expresses happiness and life, and family who they trust and can confide in?

I finished a book called Escape from Camp 14 by the journalist Blaine Harden, who wrote about the escapee Shin Dong-hyuk, who was actually born in a prison camp. The details that are written in this book are truly harrowing. I told myself frequently while reading the book that this could not possibly be true. Though it really is. Shin was "bred" by the guards, who hand picked his mother and father. They granted Shin's father marriage because he had done something very well and pleasing, and they rewarded him by allowing him to marry a stranger. Thus, Shin was born. Shin grew up never knowing what it felt to be loved, he trusted absolutely no one, and referred to his "friends" as companions, whom could snitch on him at any moment. Not to mention that he would also snitch on his companions.

I won't reveal everything in the book, because I hope that whoever comes across this blog with buy it, whether for their nook, kindle, or whatever other way people read things nowadays. Below I will post a video that Shin and the journalist are in that talks about the book and the hardships that Shin had to endure and is still enduring to this day. It was just posted a few days ago, so this video is very recent as of today.

I pray to God that He would have justice on North Korea, while still having mercy. I pray for mercy on the government people, guards, and interrogators. I pray that not only will the people of North Korea and those in the camps be saved by Jesus, through deep love and rest for their souls, but I also pray for this for the people who beat these helpless, hopeless people as well. Everyone is just trying to survive over there and are doing whatever it takes to keep themselves alive.

I hope that America will take action and not see that the main issue of North Korea are its weapons, but human rights as the main issue. I'm not foolish and naive enough to know that there are certain politics that occur that keep us from helping NK. I understand it. I know the problems that will arise once the Korea's become one. I get it, but isn't it worth it? Human life is precious, and there are more important things than selfishness and greed. It is time that something be done about this and let freedom be won.

I said earlier in this post that the more I become aware of the world, my happiness become selfishness. This inspiration came from Shin, because now that I know about NK and the evils inside of it. I feel selfish and guilty that I am so safe. I am so blessed to have running water, loving friendships and family, a bed to curl up in and a t.v. to watch until I fall asleep. I have a car that I bought with my own money. I can buy food whenever I want it. If I want chocolate, I go get it. If I want new clothing, I buy bags of it. I have multiple shoes for every occasion and still I feel it's not enough. I get to choose when I go to sleep, or when I want to wake up. If I wake up sick one day, I can choose not to go into work that day. I have it all. I have it so easy. I don't have to fake my happiness, because I have every reason to be happy. I have God to comfort me, and Jesus to take all of my burdens away.

I pray the same for all people, not just NK, to know God, to know Jesus, and be set free. To be consumed with the overwhelming love that He so freely gives us. The world must know who He is, so that we can find peace, love, and hope.

Here are some website if you are interested in learning about NK, the defects, and what others are trying to do save the North Koreans:

Daily NK News
Story about Shin
Alpha Relief

Random and Rambling.

Hurray for Fridays!! Friday's = Freedom!!!

Dinggggg, wrong.

Today Im here at the office, working on the newsletter our church sends out every 3 months. Now usually I have Friday's off, but since i've been going to school nowadays, sometimes i'll come in to finish some things I didn't get to.

I've decided I won't eat lunch today, but nonetheless I still need a break and something to distract me. Thus,  I will write! Ha, who writes when they're bored? I guess I do every once in a while. Sometimes I get in these weird moods where I just feel like writing. Not a whole lot of people read my blogs, so it's not like I'm writing expecting people to actually read them. I mean, sure people from germany, hong kong and other places are visiting my blog, but I doubt they understand or care to read my blogs. But that doesn't stop me!

(I realize I'm rambling, but just stick with me)

I haven't exactly posted my blog for the world to see, maybe because that'll mean...people will actually read them. In my previous post, "It's not easy being me", I wrote about how hard it is to be me sometimes. It's almost like I have to live a secret life. I can't get close to people because as a leader, I can't really get close to them. I dont know who made up that rule but I dont like it. Sure, I understand it a bit. But dont you think people should know that you're not perfect and you're just like everyone else?

Im not saying that I'm awesome, or special, or talented, or gifted or anything like that. I was just so happened to be placed in the position I'm in. I try to be humble in everything I do. I try to be kind and understanding, compassionate and loving. I hope I lead with wisdom and love. But, sometimes I fail at that. Sometimes I'm not kind or understanding. Sometimes....-gasp- I make mistakes! And you know what? Thats ok! And people should get close to me to find out that I am a person who will let others down and make mistakes.

I feel like if i were to let myself be known to people for who I really am- funny, goofy, cant-talk-right, weird- then...I dont know...like, they wont want to be around me? That doesn't really make sense, but I dont really know how else to say it.

Switching topics now~~~

So...I have a confession to make. I have probably watched wayyyyy to many hours of Doctor Who. I....found a website...that has all of the episodes and seasons. Do you realize what that means?!!?! It means I can spend countless hours and hours upon hours watching my favorite Doctor nonstop. And trust me...I have been. I can't tell you how many hours I have wasted away watching that show only this week. I cant help it! Its so good! Im....obsessed. I started watching somewhere in the middle of season 3 and went all the way up to season 5.

I cried when my love David Tennant switched to the now 11th doctor, Matt Smith. I actually cried. I loved David Tennant as the 10th doctor!! He wasn't violent and never carried a gun. Man...I just love his geekiness... (oh my gosh, i sound like a nerd)

I've already watched some of the season 5, and so i decided since, I already miss my David, I'm going to start from season 1. Its some different guy right now and he has big ears. I can't wait to see him be transformed to Tennant. This big eared guy seems mean and almost evil. Which is pretty interesting cause thats not what Im used to in the Doctor.

Anywho, I should get back to work.

Happy Fridays!

"I've missed the boat"

Ahh, yes, what a beautiful day in the neighborhood! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and im in my living room watching hours of Doctor Who. A show on the BBC channel that i have recently become addicted to. Its weird and strange, cheesy and has cheap graphics. But eh, i love it, and so does the UK apparently. They're obsessed with it, and now so am i. Hey, if you can't beat'em, join'em. I've got the show to record all of the episodes and save them. Now on every Friday I can waist away my life for a few hours. It also gives me an excuse not to do my homework till later...

But Doctor Who is not the reason and subject for writing this post. Instead, im writing because I've come to notice that I am very closed minded. I take that back. I was close minded.

Before I started school, all i ever did was go to church and work. And I happen to work at a church. So put 2 and 2 together, and you get:

My whole life consisted inside of a church building.

Not that thats bad at all, whatsoever. But its just the fact that I did nothing to go outside of the church building and reach out to the lost. Which is what Jesus commanded us to do. God didnt send His Son so that he could stay in the synagogues and stay with the religious leaders and lawmakers. No, instead He sent His son so that he could save the lost, the poor, the oppressed...the sinners. Jesus wasn't bound in a church building, instead, he was bound to a cross. His whole life's purpose was to save us. To save us from our sins. How did he do that? He ate with sinners. He healed blind men, he made prostitutes and adulterers feel whole again. He made lepers who felt ugly and made them beautiful again. He went up to the very people that we as humans would set aside and see as unimportant. He went down to their level and looked them straight in their eyes and gave them hope. Hope to live forever. With him.

(Wow, that sounds pretty good, i could make that a sermon, couldnt I!...Moving on....)

With that being said, what am I doing as a follower of Jesus? What have I done to reach the poor, the oppressed, the lost? Have I done anything to build relationship with sinners like Jesus did? What am I doing? Am I even doing anything?

I've come to the realization that no, no im not. Sure, im impacting and making relationships with the people in my church. But it's not the found that need seeking, and its not the whole that need healing.

Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that i am a good person. I know i have a relationship with Jesus and I love God. I also know that I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. But with that said, I still havent reached out to the lost outside of my church walls.

Why has it taken till now to realize that I need to go out of the world....only to go back into it again? His grace has rescued me, and I ought to share it with everyone, not just those who share the same faith as me.

Im ashamed. Im upset. Im disappointed....in myself. Haven't I read the Bible through and through? Then how did i miss it? How did i miss the most important thing? How many more has missed the mark too?

I've grown up thinking that I should set myself apart from the world. "Dont listen to that music. Dont hang out with those people. Dont go to those places. Dont do this. Dont do that." But, thats not what Jesus did. He hung out with those people. He went to those places. He did this and he did that. Im not really sure if he listened to that music, because im not really sure if they had hip hop or rock n roll in those days...but you get the idea. What Im trying to say is this...Jesus loved these sinners with a painful passion. He was willing to look like an idiot to those who thought he was wrong. He was willing to be looked down at. He was willing for people to be down right angry and want to kill him. But that didn't stop him. He was bold. He was courageous, and he didn't let those sinners transform him into something he's not. Instead, he changed them into something much bigger than they ever thought they could be. He gave them life and hope.

I want to be like that. I want to be able to eat with sinners and be an impact in their life. I want to be an example of what a Christ-ian is. A real christ-ian.

I want to become relatable. How can I be relatable if i have nothing to relate to them with? I have no idea who some of the most famous singers and actors are. How can i say, "you shouldnt listen to her because her lyrics are bad." Well, how do i know? Because i know she's not a christian artist and so she obviously must sing about bad things? Im not saying that i should just listen to bad songs with wronchy lyrics all the time. But what I am saying is that I shouldnt be so judgmental. I should have atleast listened to the song once so that I can say whether or not its ok to listen to it.

I've totally missed the boat. "I've missed the ball" as i've also heard.

So whats next? Now i'm going to go out and build relationship with people who dont know Jesus. Im not going to bash him down their throats or shout it in the streets. Im not going to go up to random people i dont know and ask them to say the sinners prayer with me. No, instead, im going to become their friend. Im going to get personal with them. Im going to live the life of a christ-ian and show them the love that Jesus has for them. And when the moments right, when the opportunity arrises, when they're ready.... I'll tell them about his love, and what he did to show it.

<3

Change.

So im sitting here in my bed, wondering, "What am I going to write about?" Notice I havent written anything since what, May? Thats awful! So much has happened and I have a lot on my mind right now, many things are stressin' me out, confusing me, and frustrating me. But you know what? I'm tired of feeling that way, so I had a good talk with God the other day and asked that he would take all those worries and burdens and replace those feelings with peace and assurance that everything's going to be ok. And you know what? He has! Ofcourse, thats nothing surprising...

I'm going through a LOT of change right now. And it's not like it was a gradual change. Im talking all at the same time, life-altering, make-huge-decisions-and-make-sure-its-the-right-one-or-else-your-life-will-be-messed-up kind of change.

All at the same time I had my best friend of 4 years (I feel like its been longer) move away to Chicago for college, I decided to actually go to college, and its possible i might move out with my sister in an apartment. Now, that really doesn't seem too bad, but think about all of the change and decisions that comes with all of that. Sara, whom I used to see all the time, my basically other half since we are weirdly connected (lol!) has moved away and I don't see her all the time. The only way I can communicate with her is through internet and texting. Its funny, but I see certain things and laugh and though it might not be funny to someone else, I know she would think it were funny too. Or I would see someone who looks like her and all of the sudden I want to be their friend only because they remind me of her. Sounds weird I know, but thats just how I feel. How would you like it someone you spent all of your time with just up and went away? It aint nice! But I know its for the better.

Then the other change is that i've been experiencing is college myself. I havent truly been to college and experienced it since i graduated nearly 4 years ago. I dont count the community college down the road as a college experience for me though. I was only there for like...2 semesters for a total of what, 3 classes, if that? It was pointless there, I met no one and was not enjoying myself. But anyways, as I was saying. The university i go to now- i feel like i have purpose there. Im meeting new people and i actually enjoy doing the homework (what?!) and learning (huh!?). Yes, its true. Im learning so much. A lot about myself actually, but ill get to that later perhaps in a different post.

But with college comes....financial stress. And MAN can I tell you its ANNOYING!? Do you know how many times I applied for loans? Four....yes, FOUR, and I STILL cannot get accepted! So im sure youre asking, "then how are you going to school right now?" Well...see, im just trusting that this last loan will accept me. Its through the bank i've been with since i was fourteen, and i've been in communication with them and it seems promising.

Doesn't anyone take loans without co-sigs anymore? Why is this country making it too hard for people like me to try to go to school? Don't they know Im trying to better myself and get an education? Why is it that people who are going to school right now but dont even want to be there are getting money when this country is making it impossible for me to go? Argh!! But again, im trusting God will take care of me.

THEN (yes, im not finished, and yes, i realize this is a long blog) during this whole time of change and waiting for loans and whatnot, I agreed with my sister that I'd move out with her. Sounds great right? Well, if i cant get this loan then i'd have to pay more than $500 a MONTH for the next 3 months or less to finish my payments for school. Did i fail to mention to you that we already got an apartment and are waiting to move into it? Ah yes, i did fail to mention that. But no worries, I have already talked to her and let her know that if this loan does not go through, theres no way i'd be able to move out of my parents' dirty, musty, damp, dark (must i go on? yes. i think i will) smelly, dusty, dungeon basement.She totally understands and we are still able to break the contract if i find out we just cant move out. Sigh...too much stress. But dont forget that I gave my worries to God and i'm not freaking out about it.

Im just going to take life one step at a time. I'll embrace the change and do my best to...do my best. Ha.

It's not easy being me

It's not easy being me.

Really it's not. Im always wondering if i am going to offend someone or if i might make them upset, or say something that they wont particulary agree with. It's hard being myself because honestly there are times where i just dont want to say or do anything all day and not give a poo about it.

See, right there. I literally spent wasted time trying to figure out if i was going to either say "poo", "stink", or "crap about it" because i was too worried i might offend someone. Why am i like that? Why do i care? Cause to you, after reading that, you dont really care do you? Probably not. Actually youre probably scratching your head and thinking what in the world is this lady talking about.

Is it possible to be too nice? So nice that it annoys others and even yourself? Apparently. But you know what, if i were to truly be myself and not be so nice all the time, you'd actually come to find that im actually a mean and selfish person. I tend to brag on myself. Sometimes i need to feel appreciated. Sometimes i need someone to tell me that they like my outfit. Sometimes i speak too honestly and i have no tact. Ex. You ask, "hey, do you like my new purse?" My reply: "No, why would you get a purse like that when i told you that ive been looking for a purse exactly like the one youre wearing? Go away." Now thats not nice, is it? Exactly, and i actually said that today. I mean really woman, ive been looking for that kind of purse for weeks and now youre wearing it. Now what am i supposed to do? What's a gal got to do! ha...

Also, youd come to find that im really annoying too. I can't hardly speak right and never make any sense. Im soft-spoken and shy. But inside im probably thinking about how annoying you are to me and how you should just be quiet and stop making up silly excuses for why you cant do your job. (ouch, i know)

I have no balance. Im either extremely nice or extremely mean.

Some people are trying to guide me into being more opinionated, more outspoken, or honest with how i feel and honestly....i dont think you want that. You wouldnt like that at all because you just might get my opinion and you might just know how i feel.

Is this okay to say? Is it alright feeling this way? Should i feel sorry to the person who frustrated me and i told them about it? Should i feel sorry if you tried to make me feel bad because i didnt want to go to the movies and you did? Should i continue saying sorry when it's not my fault?

My question is, who would you rather me be? The overly sweet person who gets stepped on like a mat, or someone who is a kind and nice person, yet tells you how i really feel? I'd like to be the latter person, but i'm finding it hard to be like that. Im finding it hard to be myself. Im worried others might be taken aback. Like i actually have an opinion and want to share it.

But the leader in me tells me that i should guard my mouth and be careful with each word i say, so as not to offend anyone. And i agree with that, but i also need to learn that i can stick up for myself and i dont always have to agree with what someone else has said. I suppose this is something that i just need to pray about. Thats my answer to everything. Prayer. He helps me keep my mind focused on whats important and off of whats not. He is still teaching me something new everyday. Like things about my self and about just life itself. He still has His chisel in His hand and He is still creating me into the person He wants me to be. I guess He's still working on me, making me stronger so that i can lead His children where He wants them to go. (i realize that sounded incredibly cheesy...)

My prayer is that God will help me be exactly who He wants me to be, not someone im not. My prayer is that i will find that perfect balance of being nice and compassionate, yet firm in my feelings and opinionated. Because no one likes a robot that says yes to everything you say.

Im not sure this whole ranting made any sense but there you have it. Sorry. (There i go again, apologizing...)

Boredom and 'Staches

Well, im here at church, "working". It's a friday and I usually have friday's off but i was asked to come in to answer phones, of which i have no problem with. But, considering i already finished all of my work for the week earlier while i was on the plane, i have nothing to do, and thus...im bored. xD

So what am i doing to take up some time? Ah yes! I know! I'll roam my favorite korean websites actually blog for the first time in WEEKS!
-Slaps hand- Im such a bad girl! I haven't blogged about anything for the past several weeks! Bad bad bad!

This week i went to Austin, Texas for only 3 days. Really i was in the airports for about 2 of those days but still. Pastor, Justin and Brandon went too. It was a nice time to just hang out with them and learn. We all went to learn more about a special book program called Wordsearch. It's where there are literally hundreds of books in one program, all the way from bibles to commentaries, from counseling to history and culture, to devotionals and so much more. It really is a great program, especially for pastors and even for those in school for theology or even just a bible college. Im really excited about it. There's so much to learn about the program and from what i learned, i still have a long ways to go.

With that said, i will not say that it still wasnt incredibly boring at some points in the class. Cause the classes started from 8:30 in the morning till 6:30pm....?!!? It was absolutely grueling to sit in one seat the whole day. At some points i really wanted to just poke my eyes out or scream on the top of my lungs just for the sake of waking up. It was funny because our group was probably the youngest there. Though i think Pastor acted younger (or in other words, immature, ha!) than us because he kept throwing paper wads at us and kept talking about random stuff. There was this poor guy who sat between Pastor and Brandon. Poor guy paid a bunch of money to come to the seminar and probably learned nothing because pastor kept talking to brandon who sat on the other side of the guy. I truly felt bad for him, ha, but it was funny. Pastor kept getting distracted and not paying attention at all. It was great, ha.

Man, this is probably the worst, most boring blog i've written so far. I apologize. So, just to end it was a laugh, i'll prove to you that i was in Texas. Heres a picture!

Now, you don't usually see this in Ohio, do you? Man... makes me want to grow a stache!

With waiting comes answers

Ah yes, finally! I think the answer has come! Ofcourse, i still have to pray about it, but i think i've got the answer i've been waiting for, torturing over and stressing out about! Ha!

For a while i've been feeling stretched. Stretched as in what direction i should go in. To stay? Or to go? I was in so much pain and heart ache because all i wanted to do was what God wanted me to do. I was in pain whether or not God wanted me to go away to stretch my wings, learn more or serve Him in a different way. It would've been really difficult for me to leave. (You can read my blog called "The Number 3" to see how badly i was struggling).  At first i thought that in order to go to school for mission work i had to leave, but... who says that i have to leave? Why cant i do both? Why can't i just stay working in a church as a children's pastor while at the same time going to school for mission work? Why hadn't i seen it before? God has given me such an easy solution!

Why do we do that? Why do we always make things so much harder for us? We expect the solution to be a really difficult one, but sometimes they end up being really simple.

Sometimes in life God makes us wait. To sweat it out, to make us weak, to makes our knees shake. So that we won't rely on our understanding and knowledge and strength, but instead, we rely on His understanding, knowledge and strength. Joshua 1:9 says, "I command you, be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

With that being said, though we feel blindfolded and being led in a direction we have no clue where we're going, be strong and courageous and know that our Abba is watching over us, leading us in the direction He wants us to go.

I know missions work is hard work and it'll no doubt be difficult for me and definitely out of my comfort zone, but...its like a dream for me. I love to serve others and most of all i love serving God. What better way than to do mission work? Ideally, mission work for kids? Perhaps an orphanage? (Orphans have been on my heart since i was eight, i know one day that i will adopt a child for sure!) I always tell my kids to dream BIG, because God has BIG plans for us, and i think this is one of them. I know im not the greatest at building things or even being a people person (considering im pretty shy sometimes) but, that'll just be another lesson Abba will teach me.

So the solution (as of right now) i will apply to the Bible college near where i live and continue as Maigan the 21 year old Children's Pastor. A job where not all the kids are sweet little angels, but i know God has called me to be in (you can take a look at my blog called, "Destiny, fate or calling" for that story, lol). I absolutely love children, and it's such a blessing to work with them, serve them, and teach them about our loving Father and our Savior.

Lesson learned: Wait on God, and He WILL answer you.