It's not easy being me.
Really it's not. Im always wondering if i am going to offend someone or if i might make them upset, or say something that they wont particulary agree with. It's hard being myself because honestly there are times where i just dont want to say or do anything all day and not give a poo about it.
See, right there. I literally spent wasted time trying to figure out if i was going to either say "poo", "stink", or "crap about it" because i was too worried i might offend someone. Why am i like that? Why do i care? Cause to you, after reading that, you dont really care do you? Probably not. Actually youre probably scratching your head and thinking what in the world is this lady talking about.
Is it possible to be too nice? So nice that it annoys others and even yourself? Apparently. But you know what, if i were to truly be myself and not be so nice all the time, you'd actually come to find that im actually a mean and selfish person. I tend to brag on myself. Sometimes i need to feel appreciated. Sometimes i need someone to tell me that they like my outfit. Sometimes i speak too honestly and i have no tact. Ex. You ask, "hey, do you like my new purse?" My reply: "No, why would you get a purse like that when i told you that ive been looking for a purse exactly like the one youre wearing? Go away." Now thats not nice, is it? Exactly, and i actually said that today. I mean really woman, ive been looking for that kind of purse for weeks and now youre wearing it. Now what am i supposed to do? What's a gal got to do! ha...
Also, youd come to find that im really annoying too. I can't hardly speak right and never make any sense. Im soft-spoken and shy. But inside im probably thinking about how annoying you are to me and how you should just be quiet and stop making up silly excuses for why you cant do your job. (ouch, i know)
I have no balance. Im either extremely nice or extremely mean.
Some people are trying to guide me into being more opinionated, more outspoken, or honest with how i feel and honestly....i dont think you want that. You wouldnt like that at all because you just might get my opinion and you might just know how i feel.
Is this okay to say? Is it alright feeling this way? Should i feel sorry to the person who frustrated me and i told them about it? Should i feel sorry if you tried to make me feel bad because i didnt want to go to the movies and you did? Should i continue saying sorry when it's not my fault?
My question is, who would you rather me be? The overly sweet person who gets stepped on like a mat, or someone who is a kind and nice person, yet tells you how i really feel? I'd like to be the latter person, but i'm finding it hard to be like that. Im finding it hard to be myself. Im worried others might be taken aback. Like i actually have an opinion and want to share it.
But the leader in me tells me that i should guard my mouth and be careful with each word i say, so as not to offend anyone. And i agree with that, but i also need to learn that i can stick up for myself and i dont always have to agree with what someone else has said. I suppose this is something that i just need to pray about. Thats my answer to everything. Prayer. He helps me keep my mind focused on whats important and off of whats not. He is still teaching me something new everyday. Like things about my self and about just life itself. He still has His chisel in His hand and He is still creating me into the person He wants me to be. I guess He's still working on me, making me stronger so that i can lead His children where He wants them to go. (i realize that sounded incredibly cheesy...)
My prayer is that God will help me be exactly who He wants me to be, not someone im not. My prayer is that i will find that perfect balance of being nice and compassionate, yet firm in my feelings and opinionated. Because no one likes a robot that says yes to everything you say.
Im not sure this whole ranting made any sense but there you have it. Sorry. (There i go again, apologizing...)
