The Number 3

There is so much on my mind right now. I don't know what i should do. I've been through this before, but do i really have to go through this again? I've described this feeling before as being blind folded and being taken by the hand in a direction i have no clue in where i'm going. I hate that feeling. i was hoping i wouldn't have to go through that again.

But here i am. Going through that feeling again; having to trust in God and where He's taking me. Sometimes it's fun walking around blinded because i simply like surprises; but, i'm scared. It's not fun. I have a feeling this outcome might not be a very good one, nor a happy one at that.

Since i first started working i have always had in my mind the number 3. Why 3? I don't know, its always been there. I've always thought that my time here would end at 3 years. I don't know why, i just think that way. And it will be my 3 years in February.

But here's the thing, i just got promoted and am getting insurance (much needed insurance, at that). I was promoted to Office Administrator which is just a fancy word for making sure those who work in the office are doing what they should be doing. But at the same time i am also the Children's Pastor.

I feel like i'm being taken into a different direction; and i'm not sure that's the direction i'm supposed to be going in. Or perhaps that is the direction i'm supposed to go in? See, i hate being blind folded. It makes me so confused and makes me doubt myself.

Where is He taking me? Is my season over? Or is this what the 3 years meant? That instead of being CP i would eventually become an office administrator, or worse...the secretary? Am i supposed to be going on that path? Or are You trying to teach me a lesson on decisions and finding out what You want me to do and not what others or myself want me to do.This is a very hard lesson if i have guessed it right. Maybe i'm thinking way too much into this? I hope that i am...

I feel like I've done such a good job at office work (because others who should be doing it, cannot do it right) that my being a children's pastor has failed in a way. Pastor has asked me if i was interested in taking administration classes. I don't want that! Why would i want that? I don't want to become an administrator?? I have absolutely no interest in ever being an administrator of any kind and even if i did go to school for administration i would only do it for him and not for me.

What about me? What about what i want to be? What about what i want to become? I sound so selfish right now and self centered, but I've always done what others have wanted me to do. I've never thought about myself and always thought of others; how i could please them and make them happy. But going to college for something that i don't want to do and having them pay for it is not right; for them, or for me.

Life can be so confusing...

Scratch that.

Life is always confusing. Living life is like living life blinded. You never know what your future holds and you never know what is waiting for you right around the corner. You never know what the next difficult decision will be. And you never know if you made the right choice. All you can do is trust the person that is holding your hand and guiding you. That's what i'm doing. That's all i can do. I don't know what else i can do; but trust that He is guiding me in the correct direction.

I pray i make the right decision with wisdom. But most of all, i hope that there is no decision i have to make. Like whether or not i become the secretary or stay the cp, or worse becoming neither. I pray that this number 3 is nothing but a number, and simply just a number. I know what the number three means and i pray that this is not the end. But perhaps, only the beginning of something new.

Destiny, Fate, or Calling?

Like i've said before, i dont understand why life is the way that it is. I also don't understand why things happen and some things dont. I just know that God is in control and im so glad He is.

So which is it- destiny, fate, or calling? I say all three!

Let me tell you the story, before i jump ahead of myself!

Three years ago i applied to Lee University in Tennessee to go for Youth Ministry. My heart was set on it! I really thought that God had called me to youth ministry since i was 15 and thats all that i could have seen myself doing at the time. As much as i prayed about it, i didnt really see myself doing anything else. I think i believed in that so much that i didnt really stop to think, "Ok, God. Is this really what you have in store for me?"

I was really excited to go away for college. I was accepted to Lee, had already bought my college needs such as storage containers, a new bed set, even new pencils with matching notebooks and paper. I was set. Ready to go. I had my loan going through and all i had to do was wait another month before heading down to Lee.

But something went wrong with the loan process and i got a letter stating that they were sorry but my loan didnt go through.....!!!. What in the world?! I was really put through a blender and chopped up. I even questioned God saying why did He put such a passion for youth ministry in my heart when i felt like He had taken it away from me? Why wasn't i allowed to go to Lee, the place i was in love with? I thought He had called me to be a Youth Pastor?

And so for about 6 months or so i was lost. Completely lost. Asking God question after question. I had no job, no car, no license. I was lost. Stuck. All my friends were going away to college and experiencing life while i was at home in my room watching silly shows.

Then i started coming down every wednesday early in the morning to church since that was the only time and way i could get there. I spent my whole day there just helping Pastor Justin in whatever he needed to be done for that nights youth service.

All the sudden, our Senior Pastor approached me about becoming the Children's Pastor! What in the world? How can he entrust me, an 18 year old to pastor over children? I was so inexperienced. I had no clue what direction God was taking me in. I was still shy (and i still am) and quiet. I wasnt quiet the people person.

I had worked in children's ministry since i was probably 14 or 15 under 2 previous children's ministers and they relied on me a lot. I did everything from puppets to lessons. I did attendance and offering, made post cards to each and every child who wasnt in attendance that day. And loved every bit of it, even though at times i would stress out because it seemed like no else was as passionate about it as i was. Even though, at the time i didnt realize that i loved it so much. It was just another thing i did for the church.

And so, even though at the time i was still lost and confused, wondering where God was taking me on the whirlwind of a ride, i said yes to becoming the first 18 year old full time children's pastor staff member. And i have been since then. It will be my 3 years in february! Can you believe that?

I love children's ministry very much and i wouldnt have it any other way. Im so glad i took a risk and just did what God had REALLY wanted me to do. I solely relied on Him for absolutely everything. And i mean everything- wisdom, knowledge, everything...

So, i said alllllllll of that to say this: Today, i get in the mail that from a bank of some sort saying that i owed them $3500 for a loan that was guaranteed for me to go to Lee University. It said that my current school was Lee U. And that i had been approved for the loan. From 3 years ago.

.
...
......

What? Thats the whole reason why i didnt go to Lee! I didnt go because my loan hadnt gone through.....

What happened was that 3 years ago there was a miscommunication between my loaner and Lee U. But you know what? That doesnt really bother me. I truly believe that destiny, fate, calling, and God had called me to be a children's pastor.

What kind of person would i be now if i had found out a way to go to Lee? What kind of person would i be if i hadnt taken a risk and said yes to becoming the new CP? Who would the new CP be? Where would i be? Would i be the person i am today? I really dont think so. Im so glad to know that God has everything under control, and that He has ordered my steps. Its good to know that He is always guiding me and there for me, even when im lost and confused in the direction that He is taking me.

Lesson learned. Trust in God in all circumstances. Lean on Him and take risks. Who knows what kind of person you'll end up being? Or the blessings that is in store for you around the corner....

Shock.

I've never seen anything like this before. I'm still in shock. When i saw it i couldn't help but cry out to God and just keep repeating His name. I couldnt help but cry. It was really hard keeping my eyes open, i was just in so much pain. It's been a long while since i've experienced that kind of pain, in fact, it may have been my first.

Actually, i dont think ive ever been in shock either. I guess shock is when you take in things slowly and your mind goes blank and it takes a while for you to grasp onto what is really happening? (Before you freak out and think if anything happened to me, don't worry, nothing happened to me at all. Im fine. I'll tell you what happened in just a while.) Also, i guess shock is when you dont feel like doing anything but take a second to think about life and what life really means to you, or what life really is. Or how life can be taken in just a blink of an eye.

Maybe im being too dramatic? Maybe too emotional? Im not sure, but this is how i feel at the moment.

It's amazing to think that at one second your life as you know it can be completely normal, nothing special, just simply ordinary and then- in one split second it could be completely over. Life is so precious. But even when your gone, life still continues. For some who didnt know you, you never existed.

I've realized that tonight life is something you cannot take for granted. That you cant take the things around you for granted. All i know is that im really glad i have a God out there who cares for me and i can rest assured that i will be protected as long as i am in His hands. Im really glad He protects me. And loves me. He's always got His eyes on me, keeping me safe.

I wonder when this shock will go away. It's taking me too long to think and every time i cant help but think about what just happened. Literally, just what happened.

Here it goes, i guess ill just go and tell what happened. I really didnt mean to stall, this is just my thought process and how im trying to cope with it (im sorry im being wayyy too dramatic, i cant help it, im sorry).

I was driving alone by myself after watching Narnia in 3D with the youth group and on 275 a cop car was a while behind me flashing his lights with his sirens going off. Now, for the most part i was alone on the road and i had been thinking about something that was really irritating me.I must admit i was probably driving a little over the speed limit, so i freaked out and slowed down trying to see if he was trying to pull me over for speeding. But he just zoomed right past me going atleast 85-90 miles an hour. I was so relieved. That cop car had me so scared and freaked out that i had started screaming just too release my nerves! It was really funny actually. I probably screamed for a good 2 minutes, which is really long considering when youre alone and have no music on. After i had calmed down i started laughing, making fun of myself over how ridiculous i must have looked and sounded.

As i kept driving i saw a little ways off on the ramp exit i needed to take in order to go home atleast a dozen cop cars with flashing lights, ambulances, and fire trucks. The bridge that the ramp was on was lit up so bright. Now, that area is right off the side of a large cut in a large hill that has a highway going alongside it. It is really curvey and dangerous if youre not careful. It's bends are really sharp and you really have to slow down in order to be safe.

Someone, someone's child must have gone too fast around the bend on the ramp and drove their car right off of the bridge and into the hillside below.

I have never seen such a horrifying scene as this. The car was mangled, twisted and barely recognizable. Smoke was bellowing from the car that was turned upside down. By the time i had seen it, my guess it had to have happened in the last 15 minutes or less. It didnt seem there was much hope for the person or persons in the car. It was an aweful site. I dont ever want to see it again. But its stained in my memory.

When i saw it i was in such pain for the persons in the car and for their family that all i could say was "God, God, that's someones child!". I was borderline hysterical. I could only pray for their families and for those in the car. I couldnt tell if anyone had lived, but from the looks of it, i dont think it would have been possible. Cops and other persons were just standing around it, probably thinking about how to do their jobs, i guess.

As i passed it and after my hysterical moment, i was thinking about how while someones life probably had just ended, life was still going on. People who hadn't seen it didnt care. They had no clue someone's precious child was just taken away. They had no clue someones family was just being put through a whirlwind. They had no clue. But they didn't care, life for them was still going on. They just couldnt wait to get home and sleep in their precious bed, all warm and cozy with their Christmas tree lit up. Life for them had just continued another day. What a blessing. What an honor. But no, they dont realize that.

I feel so sorry for their families and for themselves. It's only 2 weeks till Christmas. I can't help but think about how this family is going to have a very hard Christmas together. But it is my prayer that they will allow God to comfort them and hold them, resting assured that He will take care of them.

I cant explain why life is the way it is. I also cant explain why God allows things to happen. Or why He gives and takes away. My only explanation is that He is God and He has reasons for everything, reasons that surpass our thinking. I think its best that we dont question Him and instead trust that He has everything under control.

Tonight, i pray for sweet dreams, dreams about me and my family and friends. Dreams where we dont take each other for granted. Where we live life to the fullest. Not selfishly, but self- lessly, taking care of each other and loving one another.

Good night and sweet dreams.

I miss you

It really makes me sad to see my friends dwindling away. Not only from me, but from God who created us. These friends of mine, i mean we've been through everything together. Im talking about good times and bad times. Times where we knew each other's darkest moments. Like how they used to struggle with suicide and drinking but God delivered them. Im talking about how God had so impacted their lives that summer that they felt like they would never go back to their old ways. Im talking about how they were so on fire for God that they felt like nothing would ever get in there way.

What's happened?

Where are they?

What happened to the days where they wore no make-up. Where we used to play hide and seek in the church. When we would stay after church alllllll day and practice drama skits and kid around with each other. What happened to the moments when we would all gather in that small room after drama practice and we would all talk about how much we loved God and were so thankful for having each other and loving what God was doing in us and through us in our youth group.

What happened to those nights after church where we would all go out to eat with each other because spending all day with each other just wasnt enough?

What happened? Where are you? Where have you gone? I miss you. My heart absolutely breaks for you and i cant stand to see you how you are now. Broken. Alone. Doing things you promised God you would never do. Why have you broken your promise? Where has your passion gone? Why did you let your fire go out? If my heart breaks for you, i can't imagine how God must feel. I'm sorry my friends have left You and gone to do things that they wanted to do. They've left the church and they've left you. I pray they come back. That they come back to you.

I wish i could go back to those innocent days where it was just us and no one else. We were unstoppable. We were in love with You. We were passionate in serving You. We would go to other churches and states ministering inYour name and we loved every bit of it. If only we could go back to those days where our only concerns were if we were going to make it to church on time.

I miss seeing there innocent faces, full of laughter. Now when we see each other, its like our past together has never happened, like our times with God wasnt there. Our times crying on each others shoulders encouraging ourselves never existed.

Abba, if this is what growing up consists of, i dont want to grow up. I dont want the people around me growing up. Our innocence wipes away and we become this person who has experienced too much and we begin to do things our own way instead of yours. We lose faith in you and we give up on ourselves and in You. God, i pray that i never lose my innocence. That i have child-like faith that doesnt die out.

Hard Decisions

Sometimes, in life, you are forced to make hard decisions. I've been preparing myself for this for the past 4 months now, and today was finally the day to make that decision.

It first started with a sneezy nose then coughing then to not even eating or drinking at all. I thought my adorable little kitty who had just turned a year old would have lived longer than...a year. I tried to do everything i could, even going in debt just trying to pay for her medical bills. Then after force feeding her for nearly 2 weeks and forcing pills and medicine down her throat and cleaning up her puke multiple times a day, she then began to grow some sort of mass in her nose.

I finally took her off the medicine, believing that God would just take care of the rest. My friends and i even started praying for her, and i truly believe that God helped her. She started to feed her self without my help.

Now, about that mass in her nose, on my third time taking Sakura to the vet, i showed her the mass in her nose and they didnt seem too bothered with it. Even after talking to them on the phone they still didn't seem too concerned with it.

Finally, once her nose was just getting too out of control, i decided to make another appointment (her fourth one). What a day that was. I dont even have time to write out that story....

Longgggg story written short, I found out that she has Leukemia and the mass in her nose was a tumor.

Now...i know what you're thinking, "Why'd you let it go so far? You should've let her go and put her down." Yeah, i totally would have if she hadn't been acting like a perfectly normal cat! Despite her illness, she was still  walking around, eating and drinking, following me around, chasing flies, doing that silly and annoying thing she does when trying to open the door. She was perfectly normal! Her cold symptoms were gone and all that was really affecting her was that tumor, and after a while it seemed like it was going away.

Till this week. It started with her mouth and then she started to wring in pain, twisting her body and even flipping her self because she was in so much pain. I told my self that if she was in pain, i'd make that hard decision and let her go.

And so, there you have it. After 4 months, i had to put my adorable little kitty, Sakura "Saki" Boots to sleep today at 6:30pm.

Surprisingly, im doing pretty well. Sometimes in life you'll have to make tough decisions. Like where you're going to go for college, if you're willing to date that person and drop your walls that you've been building up your whole life, or when is the right, ethical time to put down your lovable little pet. Unfortunally, i've had to do that twice in the past year.

I'll just end with this. I will not own another pet...for a while.

Oh, and here are some cute pics of Sakura :3

<3 Saki

:3

Magdalena

Today was a very interesting day....


As a full-time children's pastor working at a church downtown of a big city, sometimes you get ...well...let's just say....some interesting people stop by the church during the week. In my nearly 3 years (has it been that long already?) today will be one of the most memorable days of my time working here. I've had people ask me if they could go through our garbage wanting something to eat, refusing a free hamburger from Frisch's. I've also had the same person ask me 3 times in 3 separate occasions using the same excuse if they could borrow jumper cables or money for their car that was miles away, but really all they wanted was money to buy drugs. I guess they forgot that they had already tried to scam me before?


But today, today was different.


Her name was Magdalena. I absolutely will  not put her in the same category as those written before her because, for some reason despite what she looked like, i think i actually believe her. Magdalena was born in Hungary, with a thick Hungarian accent, around 50 years old, and didn't really have a problem showing off her body. She came in wanting to talk to Pastor, but seeing as he was gone doing errands, i truly had the privilege of talking to her. 


She told me a story about how when she was younger, about my age, she was in her room when an angel came to the foot of her bed asking her if she wanted to go to heaven. So ofcourse, without hesitation she said yes. She described it so beautifully. She explained how when she was there, she felt nothing but joy, peace, and love. She felt nothing of the flesh, just pure love. She didn't want to leave but God wasn't finished with her yet on earth. She went on to say that while she was in heaven, God had her feel honored. She asked Him why He made her feel honored because she hadn't done anything to be honored for. His answer was because everyone, no matter who you are, are honored. It doesn't matter if you lived in a ditch or in a palace- you will be honored in heaven. We are not just a body, we are made in God's image. 


She also went on to say that it really hurts God's feelings when we look in the mirror and say that we aren't pretty. It hurts Him because He created us in His image, He designed us. It's an insult to say to yourself that you don't like yourself. 


Though she was loud, dancing around in our office, and so passionate about God, with a first glance you'd think she was some crazy person, but... i don't know, she was different. It's like she didn't care about what others thought about her, all she cared about was what God thought about her, and how she needed to share this story with others. That God loves you so much and that He wants you to not only love Him, but to also love yourself, inside and out-and not in a conceited way. He wants you to look in the mirror and say, "Hello, beautiful! I am made in His image and i am beautiful!"


Magdalena, i know you will never read this, but i encourage you to keep being loud, go ahead and dance in front of complete strangers, go ahead and be yourself. Because God created you and you have a beautiful story to tell! 

Maturity and Childish things :3

I honestly don't expect anyone to read this, and honestly, i don't really care. And i don't mean to be rude by saying that, it's just that the reason why i'm making a blog is so that i can be able to write out my life. It's easy for me to forget things, and most of the times it's on purpose. I have this thing where i'll repress my feelings and not share it with anyone except God alone, and until i finally crack, will i talk about something that's really bothering me.

But what's funny though is that i'm a pretty honest person. If only you'll ask me i'll tell you anything and everything, even if i know my last statement may have gone a little too far. I'll repress my feelings until someone approaches me about what's wrong.

Honesty is best and i believe that anything you say, even if it was a joke there's always some truth in it. If there's one thing i don't like- its liars or people who make up excuses. I really can't stand those sorts of people. I love them, but please, if you lie over something ridiculous your respect points from me have just gone down :/

My life isn't all exciting, i see the same people, do about the same thing everyday, go the same places all the time. I'm in a routine, a comfort zone.

I hate routines and I hate comfort zones :S

I love surprises and not knowing what's next. I love traveling and getting out of my comfort zone. I like doing new things and experiencing something i'm not all comfortable with. Even with that being said, i don't consider myself as some adventurer or dare devil. Sure, i went to Africa to do a Kids Crusade with 2 months notice,

 and yes i did go to Los Angeles with a friend just to see a bunch of famous Korean singers and didn't understand the language, but other than that, i don't necessarily call my self an adventurer. I don't like doing things that will get me in trouble or make me feel like i'm a bad person. I just like doing things spontaneously and living life like everyday's a chance to do something different. So what? Who cares if i want to take a train ride for 3 days across america and come right back around? Sounds fun to me! And i plan on doing it, too! Others might ask what's the point of taking a train for three days and turning right back around, but honestly, how fun would it be? Being able to see everything fly right past you as you just sit there listening to the chug of the train. And some might ask why in the world would i choose a train when we have airplanes? Been there. Done that. The sky is beautiful, but so is the earth, right? I want to see America even in the littlest of nooks and crannies. Trains are different, awkward, and random. I like that. In fact, i'm sorta like that.

 Different. Awkward. Random. I like it. Why would i want to be like everyone else?  I'm confident in knowing that all i have to worry about is whether God likes me or not. And i know He not only likes me, but He is so deeply in love with me that i can't even understand it. Whether you believe in God or not, He is deeply in love with you too! We all make mistakes and it's through our mistakes do we find out who God is, cause He corrects them!

I'm 21 and young. I like cute things, what's wrong with that? I like childish things, i laugh at childish things, i buy childish things, is that ok? Does that make me immature? Mmm...ok maybe a little bit but i honestly am mature, i like to think that i have a balance of maturity and immaturity. If all i was was 21 and boring, i'd be...well....boring. I like pink, i like hearts, i like hello kitty. I don't like scary things, but they don't make me afraid, that's just childish (ha!).

I think my iPhone (and yes, its true, it will change your life) describes me perfectly. My phone has everything i need on it. I like to watch and read the news a lot, and so i have a few news apps. It has my calendar with my schedules and activities on it, it has my emails on it for me to work on and check even when i'm not near a computer, it has the weather app on it, and even a GPS on it (i still get lost even with the GPS). Even with all that boring and "grown up" app stuff on it, my cover for my phone is hot pink with a cute chubby bear with big blue glasses on it with a heart plastered in the middle of its tummy with the words "HUG ME" written on the bottom of it. Cute, just darling, right?

Even though i can be pretty mature, i'm still childish in some ways. I've come to the conclusion that that's ok, childish things make people laugh and smile, and who wouldn't like to laugh and smile?

If anyone reads this, i'd be surprised.

And i like surprises.

:)
-mai